Wednesday, November 4, 2009


by Maybe

(Photo stolen from this site)

Well, I hope I am doing this right.

I may be pregnant. I'm too old to be having babies. I had The Sex knowing it was exactly the time in my cycle I should definitely use protection...and we didn't. I knew we should. He knew we should. We just...didn't.

We're neither of us stupid. We were just...stupid. Caught up in the moment would be a nice excuse, but I know damn well we both knew the gun was loaded and we chose to pull the trigger. To take the chance.

I don't know if he wants a baby. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid to ask him how he'd feel, afraid he'd feel trapped or resentful if I am, or hurt or upset if I'm not. Not flattering, considering he's a terrific man who loves kids. Sigh. Yes, I can be a touch neurotic.

I don't even know if I AM pregnant. Only maybe, because of the timing. If I am, it'd be by a few days. And maybe I'm worrying over nothing.

I'm torn between delight at the prospect (age or not, I love the man and love the idea of a little combination of us, and I always wanted another child) and horror (I really am too old to be having babies, although my body hasn't figured that out yet, and am in no way financially or emotionally stable or physically fit enough to be bringing another life into this world).

I can't even test yet. It's too soon. I have to wait another week, at least, and even then could get a false negative. Really, I should wait two weeks, or even three to be certain...but I may drop dead from worry, by then. Until then, it seems I'll be spending odd moments every day I? Am I not? How do I feel about it?

Do I tell him, if I am? Do I keep it? I have to keep it. There's no question. Not that I am against abortion. I think that's up to each person to decide. For me, I can't simply get rid of something because it's not convenient. Do I talk to him about my concerns? Do I sound him out? Do I leave him in the dark and hope it's moot? Save him a week or two of worry? Because if I'm not, it would be pointless to bring it up...wouldn't it?

And maybe I'm not. Probably I'm not. I know they told us in sex ed that it only takes once, but really? Has anyone ever gotten knocked up after times? Right in the middle of their fertile period?

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'd try to bargain with God, but God had nothing to do with this -- it's up to me to work it out on my own.

I hate to admit it...even knowing all the reasons (and there are so many, I can't count them all) why I shouldn't have a child...I still smile when I think of the possibility. Proof I'm insane.

In the end, it won't matter...if I'm not, I will glue a dang condom on the man before we romp again, because the stress? I don't need it. If I AM, be it. I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.

Thanks for listening, Bartender. I'd ask for a drink, but maybe I'll just stick to water until I know...


foolery said...

I called you "Maybe" because you didn't give yourself an alias; I hope that's okay.

Wishing you all the luck and love in the world, whichever way this plays out. Drop us an anonymous line if you feel up to it, once you know. Blessings to you and thanks for airing out your heart here. : )

-- Laurie, Resident Bartender

Brittany said...

Wow, I believe this may be "fate".

I am going through the EXACT same thing. I had sex with my sons father (who I am not with, and havent been for two years) at the end of September. Now I completely missed my period in the month of October. I took a test, a few weeks ago, and it was negative, but I tested negative for the first three months of my first pregnancy. Apparently I dont produce enough hormones for it to show up. Never the less, we are ending our first week of November, and I'm still not getting "my time of the month". I threw up last night, and i'm starting to get worride.

Everything you said was so true. I am torn between wanting to be and not. I want another child. In fact, secretly i'd be extatic, but how would he feel? How would we do this? ugh!

I hate all the questioning, and I really do need to just go to a doctor and find out! And i'm excited to hear about you as well!

Good luck, dont stress! Whatever will be will be! :)

Anonymous said...

Ah, the difference between male and female - once a guy knows something, he has to's in the genes or is it jeans? :)

Now, before you find out, is the time to use your subtle ways to figure out what your man thinks about things like, family, children, etc. You're looking for a response that is - anything but him running away as fast as he can. If he doesn't run away from the questions, then there is hope.

With hope and 2 minds, you've got a chance in making the right decision. ....with the realization that no matter what you decide, you'll probably never find out if it was the right decision.

(Single Male Blog Stalker)

ps. 5 times huh? serious about this guy? ...wanna go get a cup of coffee sometime ;)

Anonymous said...

...ya know...
The more I think about it, I'm thinking that you're just braggin.

...not that there's anything wrong with that - as long as we get some more details :)

(Single Male Blog Stalker)

Anonymous said...

Bartender, thank you - simply having a place to air my concerns helped tremendously.
Brittany, thank you. I wish you the best results, whatever they may be, and you're right - que sera sera (or however you spell it).
Actually SMBS, it was six, but I didn't count the one time because...umm...yeah, never mind why not. It was over four days, though...had to pace ourselves, getting old and all.

I like tea...

Thanks for the laugh...I always have prefered to face life with humor.