(Photo stolen from this site)
Well, I hope I am doing this right.
I may be pregnant. I'm too old to be having babies. I had The Sex knowing it was exactly the time in my cycle I should definitely use protection...and we didn't. I knew we should. He knew we should. We just...didn't.
We're neither of us stupid. We were just...stupid. Caught up in the moment would be a nice excuse, but I know damn well we both knew the gun was loaded and we chose to pull the trigger. To take the chance.
I don't know if he wants a baby. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid to ask him how he'd feel, afraid he'd feel trapped or resentful if I am, or hurt or upset if I'm not. Not flattering, considering he's a terrific man who loves kids. Sigh. Yes, I can be a touch neurotic.
I don't even know if I AM pregnant. Only maybe, because of the timing. If I am, it'd be by a few days. And maybe I'm worrying over nothing.
I'm torn between delight at the prospect (age or not, I love the man and love the idea of a little combination of us, and I always wanted another child) and horror (I really am too old to be having babies, although my body hasn't figured that out yet, and am in no way financially or emotionally stable or physically fit enough to be bringing another life into this world).
I can't even test yet. It's too soon. I have to wait another week, at least, and even then could get a false negative. Really, I should wait two weeks, or even three to be certain...but I may drop dead from worry, by then. Until then, it seems I'll be spending odd moments every day wondering...am I? Am I not? How do I feel about it?
Do I tell him, if I am? Do I keep it? I have to keep it. There's no question. Not that I am against abortion. I think that's up to each person to decide. For me, I can't simply get rid of something because it's not convenient. Do I talk to him about my concerns? Do I sound him out? Do I leave him in the dark and hope it's moot? Save him a week or two of worry? Because if I'm not, it would be pointless to bring it up...wouldn't it?
And maybe I'm not. Probably I'm not. I know they told us in sex ed that it only takes once, but really? Has anyone ever gotten knocked up after one...er...five times? Right in the middle of their fertile period?
Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I'd try to bargain with God, but God had nothing to do with this -- it's up to me to work it out on my own.
I hate to admit it...even knowing all the reasons (and there are so many, I can't count them all) why I shouldn't have a child...I still smile when I think of the possibility. Proof I'm insane.
In the end, it won't matter...if I'm not, I will glue a dang condom on the man before we romp again, because the stress? I don't need it. If I AM, though...well...so be it. I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.
Thanks for listening, Bartender. I'd ask for a drink, but maybe I'll just stick to water until I know...