Monday, December 28, 2009

I Ain't Askin' Nobody for Nothin'...

(Photo used with permission from Simon A Eugster at Wikimedia Commons)

So I need a place to vent where no one I know will see me...I have a blog or three, but they're read by people I know and I'm just not in the mood to be lectured or pitied. I simply need to vent.

I can't pay my bills. 

I can't say that elsewhere because some people think that's me asking for help.

I'm not. Me asking for help is "Look, I hate to ask, but I could use a hand, here..."

I'm just frustrated, worried, stressing...I can't pay the power, can't pay the water, can't pay for the phone, the Internet...I have no income and nothing in the offing, and when I DID ask another person for help...all I got was a stern lecture on why I need to change the way I live, tighten my belt, do without, and they can't help me because things are tough all over.

Thanks. Because the money I was trying to borrow was for the medication I need to keep from dying early from kidney failure or a stroke and I'm pretty sure tightening my belt won't help with that and also the last time I went without meds (for almost a year), that same person berated me for weeks about how I should have come to her for help...but you know, whatever.

I'm cold all the time because I don't dare turn up the heat, and my kid doesn't ask me for anything any more because at six he already knows "We can't afford it" as his life's refrain. He's not hungry yet...but it may be coming. I've been advised to apply for food stamps. Great. Because without power and water, a bunch of food sitting around getting nasty is just the thing to cheer a body up.



So now I am done bitching and will enjoy what I have while I have it...and keep trying to meet my obligations without axe-murdering people who think they know how to live my life. It's hard to grip an axe handle when you're shivering...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me

(Photo stolen from this site)

Warning: this post contains large amounts of "feeling sorry for myself"…but I am okay with that. Because after you read it? You are gonna feel sorry for me too. I am pathetic.

Today is my birthday, and it has shown me I am nothing to celebrate.

The Husband never makes a big deal out of birthdays (or holidays or anniversaries or ANYTHING) so I wasn’t expecting much from him. But I got even less. I got a "Happy Birthday" when I woke up and was stumbling half asleep as I brushed my teeth. And that WAS IT. No card. No flowers. No NOTHING. And you know what? I don’t even have the energy to say anything to him. Because he doesn’t get it. All he would do is run out to Tiffany’s and buy some insane gift and try to make up for being an ass….and it wouldn’t help at all. All I wanted was a card. Just a frickin' $3.00 Hallmark card. Guess he was too busy ALL FRICKIN' YEAR. Guess my kids were too busy too -- they didn’t even say anything to me before school.

I mention this on Twitter this morning. And because I am "the funny one" people think I am kidding. Yeah well I am not laughing. 

And since I have no real friends…(Ironically. Only fans apparently. Which is far from the same thing) no one called to take me to coffee, no one dropped off a card, no one asked if I had plans today and no one planned a party to celebrate me. No one. No one even called. Oh, except my mom. She remembered. Which makes sense since she was there at my birth. She then said -- to fulfill her motherly obligation, "Well, we could go to dinner tonight if you want."  Since I had been crying nearly all day -- I just told her, “Oh I am way too busy. But thanks anyway.” 

I spend all year taking people to lunch for their birthdays, or dropping off thoughtful gifts on porches for their birthdays, or helping husbands plan elaborate dinner parties for their wives' birthdays, or attending impromptu surprise bar gatherings for other peoples' birthdays.

Is it any surprise I am devastated to know that after 39 years on earth no one wants to celebrate me at all?

What the hell is wrong with me?

The only people who care are a friend in Atlanta and one in Northern California (no where near me)….fellow bloggers. So I guess I am better in print. Or as they say "I must make a better friend on paper than in real life."  Oh they don’t say that? Well -- they should.

I have this urge to just tell everyone I know -- all the people who I work SO HARD all year long to keep as "friends" to F-off.

I think I am done. 

No more effort-making, keeping and maintaining friendships.

It is all a big waste of time and energy.

Energy I can put towards my new hobby of competitive wine drinking.