Carrie Bradshaw Is Right

by Honey



(Photo stolen from this guy)

Carrie Bradshaw is right.

There is no polite way to stop phone sex.

It started not so innocently. I had an affair. A big huge RAGING affair. To be fair, it started off as a retaliation fuck, since my significant other & I started having problems (meaning, I was having a PROBLEM with his screwing around). Mr. Jump Off was 7 years younger than I, a huge flirt and engaged to be married. We started off as friends, I can’t even remember how we met, but we immediately liked each other. Could be because I am also a ginormous flirt and loved to fluff his…ego. (we were FRIENDS, remember?) And I will admit to getting a huge charge out of flirting, and being flirted with. I was emotional and craving attention. I can’t lie, I am an attention WHORE.

He made it so easy because he had laying down game since we met. He paid me PLENTY of attention. I had the softest skin, the prettiest legs, and the nicest lips. He was so fine I wanted to drink his bathwater. And considering I am a germaphobe of the highest order, that’s saying a lot. And we hung out because

1. I had lots of free time
2. He was a pretty cool kid, aside from the flirting
3. He always paid and he wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. There was also
4. I didn’t need my guard up because I was POSITIVE there was no real attraction there, just friendship.

I almost didn’t see it coming. We went out in the summer, my husband had to “work late” …again. We went down to the beach because I was homesick, and I’m always cheered up and/or calmed when I’m near the ocean. It was late, we were walking & talking and before I was even sure of what happened, we weren’t walking OR talking anymore. And me? It was one of the best lays I ever had; I’m not sure if it was because I needed to feel close to somebody or if he was THAT. DAMN.GOOD. Either way, May I have another orgasm, please? (For the record, he was that damn good, even though I wanted to feel close to somebody.)

After that, he’d call me when he got lonely and I’d use my phone sex operator voice and we’d talk about the things we planned to do the next time. I have been blessed/cursed with a vivid imagination, and I can also be turned on by the sound of someone’s voice, if it’s smooth enough., and Mr. Jump Off was smoooth.

He got married on my 8th anniversary. He brought me back a shot glass from their honeymoon. When he came back we had hot monkey sex in my office late one night. Our affair ended after one more month. We felt bad that we were messing around and he was newly married, so we decided to stay friends, no benefits. My husband was trying to make amends for his asshole behavior, and Mr. Jump Off put me on equal (if lowering) footing with the husband.

But for some reason, even though Mr. Jump Off & I never had real life sex again, even though we occasionally met for dinner and a movie, the phone sex never stopped. He would call me and tell me in that sexy, smooth voice to say he was bored and didn’t have anybody to talk to, what was I doin’…and then…”Do you remember how much I loooove your legs?” Mmmmm hmmm…It’s a slippery slope, ladies & gentlemen. And before you know it, you’re right back on the bottom. ::SIGH:: His voice was so seductive to me, and I could picture, his mouth and then, well…then it’s too late because I don’t WANT to stop.

Recently though, I told Mr. Jump Off that I’m putting the phone sex on Hiatus (which in LA speak is the first step to your show being cancelled). The husband & I are doing okay, and we are doing our best to keep it that way. I’m pretty sure that the husband would not like to know somebody else is getting me off AT&T style. And it’s been a while, a LONG while…

But yesterday, he called me before I was completely awake and started with the “good morning, baby” talk… And the minute I heard his voice, I could feel the girly parts getting soft, and I rolled over…and dropped the call.

I guess it’s good my phone is a piece of crap because I am at my most vulnerable when I’m waking up, which is something Mr. Jump Off knows, which is why he probably woke up 3 hours early to catch me still in bed. And I KNOW cutting off the phone sex is a wise decision, but if my call hadn’t dropped…would I have said no? Would I have been able to interject with a no, thank you? I’m glad I didn’t have to find out.

Still taking it one phone call at a time.

That’s my story y’all. I’ll pay for my drink and whoever is up next.