Dysfunctional Boss

by g




(Photo of THE IRRESISTIBLE FORCE stolen from Ingrid Kerma & Kate Palmer)

I hardly ever see her. She isn't there when I show up to work; there's no message or anything. She'll call sometime in the morning. Sometimes she calls the front desk, sometimes she calls me, sometimes she calls The Other Guy.

On a Monday I'll say, "Hi, how was your weekend?"

The response is usually, "Oh, I've been sick all weekend." or "I must have come down with something." or "My plumbing broke down and I've been mopping up water all weekend."

When she calls me her voice often sounds thick or raspy or weak. "I just woke up - I couldn't sleep all night and just dropped off at dawn. I just woke up now." or "I don't know what I did to my knee, but I can hardly walk." or "I'm really dizzy, so I'm trying to telecommute from home." or "I threw my back out last night."

Sometimes she says she's staying home to "work on the budget" or "work on that RFP that's due," or "have a couple of phone appointments."

She says she'll be in at eleven. Or twelve. Or one. Inevitably, that time passes and she's not there. Or she'll call a half hour after the designated time and she'll say she's "on her way in."

She always asks, "How's it going? Is there anything going on? Anything pressing you need me for?" Well, there are lots of little things, usually, but never pressing. And she always sounds so ill, or stressed, or rushed, so you think, well, why take her time up on the phone asking whether she read my email asking her opinion on some trivial matter - even though she's a control freak who has to be involved in every decision.

Once, she was supposed to speak at a morning ceremony honoring a retiree. I couldn't attend, as I had another meeting. At the last minute, my meeting fell through, so I decided to go, being a friend of the retiree. I arrived at the ceremony, and my boss wasn't there. Just before the meeting started, someone handed me a note. She had awoken that morning and "lost her voice" - would I give the speech for her? I had ten minutes to make something up. I didn't see her until the next day.

When she finally comes into the office, usually her blood sugar is low, so she has to have lunch/lie down/ice her twisted knee/have a Coke to settle her stomach. She microwaves her Lean Cuisine, then goes into her office and closes the door.

Then she's got a few minutes in case you need her on any pressing matter - although her mailbox is full of the payment approvals, documents to be signed, invoices to review - a bottleneck you just hope she'll get through today or you can't do anything with those pieces of business.

That document you asked her to review? She lost the copy you put in her mailbox, can you print her another one?

So-and-so up in Finance sent her the latest budget document, but she can't open the attachment. Can she forward the email to you and you can open it for her?

She couldn't input the numbers into the box - she doesn't know what's wrong with her computer - she's printed the sheet and wrote in the changes by hand. Can you type them up for her? She tried to print something last night but she couldn't get the printer to work.

The other day she asked for me to submit a list of blahblahblah, but when I go to gather the info I find that it doesn't quite conform to what she thought it did, so I need clarification on what she really wants. But the list is in preparation for a meeting, and she's cancelled the meeting. So do I interrupt her to get clarification, or do I forget about it?

She's scheduled a meeting this afternoon at 3 p.m. with me and The Other Guy to discuss Some Very Important Thing. We actually had other commitments, but we called and shifted them, because her schedule was so tight. So 3 p.m. comes, and she's on the phone. So we wait and it's 3:30, 3:45, and finally we all go into the conference room.

But she's waiting for another phone call, so after we've been talking for five minutes, she hears her line ringing and says, "I've got to take this call." So we sit with our notebooks and poised pens, waiting.

She comes back and Some Very Important Thing has been given a lesser priority. We're told things are changing and we need to prepare for an increased workload. A meeting will take place sometime next week with more information, we're told. "What can we do to prepare for the meeting, is there any info we need to gather?" we ask.

No. So other than imparting an ominous sense of stress, she's done nothing for us this afternoon.

She only has an hour remaining, she has an appointment at 5:00. She leaves the office. Will she be in tomorrow? She'll call in the morning, she says, and let us know when she's coming in.