(Photo stolen from sillyishrose on Flickr)
Dear Sweetie Pie,
I love you and this is why this is so hard to say. You are a nice person, but you are a horrible mother. I'm sorry, but it's true. You would give me your last dollar if I asked for it, but for your kids, well, I am less than impressed and sometimes a little alarmed.
I remember when you asked me a few years ago if I thought you were ready for children. I said NO. Which is not a bad thing, really. Some people shouldn't have kids.
It's not that I own a World's Best Mother award. I don't. I know that sometimes I fail too. I even understand that you have issues related to your childhood that make you somewhat bitter and quite possibly blur your judgement. But I would think those issues would stop you from repeating the same kinds of mistakes. And I would hope that when you enlist help and/or suggestions from other Mothers who've had MORE experience (and I'm not talking about just me), that you would take that advice and make it work for you.
But you don't.
You make excuses. Baby girl is 3 years old and she's not potty trained, not because she's not ready, but because YOU are too lazy to potty train her. She's been bringing you her diapers, wipes and ointment since she started walking at one. She started taking off her wet diapers at 2, and you get mad because the babysitter won't potty train her. It's not her job! That's your fucking job! YOU ARE THE MOM. You hang your head in shame and are embarrassed when you come down here and another younger mother chastises you because she's too smart not to be potty trained, but you still won't do it. What the hell? You tell me she is so stubborn, she won't tell you when she's gotta go; she comes over here, I say "you gotta potty?", she says YES. And she goes!
You tell me you're concerned because you think she's having problems learning. She isn't. How can she learn if her Mother won't teach her? You are a SAHM, you send her to daycare because you can't deal with her. Because you don't want to deal with her. You don't want to take her to the park, the aquarium, for a walk. You don't want to take her ANYWHERE -- now, or in the future. You've already started complaining about extra-curricular classes that she's not even signed up for yet. You don't want to read to her, teach her letters and numbers -- and got mad at me because I bought one of those fridge magnet toys that you put the letter in, and it says the letter. Too noisy. You compare her to another friend whose daughter, of the same age, is learning sign language AND can read/write/spell her name. Because Her Mother teaches her these things. YOU sit baby girl in front of the TV, screaming at her to shut up, until bedtime and then say, "I don't know why she doesn't know more". Because she doesn't have anyone to teach her. That's why.
And now you have baby boy. Who DOESN'T go to a sitter, who is held every waking hour (and most of his sleeping ones), and is the most spoiled child on the face of the earth. And you did it on purpose. Just so you could say he can't live without me. You think it makes you more important than his Daddy that he is hysterical when you are out of his sight. If he DOES stop crying, you rush over and start messing with him, until he goes ballistic trying to get back to you. You flinch when his Daddy plays with him because you don't have control. Well, he's not you. And he's playing with his son the way a Father does, not a Mother. Stop trying to intervene. Stop trying to keep him from having a relationship with his Father. He can love you and him. You both are his parents. It's NATURAL.
You've thrown over your daughter for your son. (You stopped paying attention to her once he was born, although you kind of stopped being attentive once you realized you couldn't make her love you more than she loves her daddy.) I can't believe you would tell me that a ONE year old, who doesn't really do anything but cry is smarter than the 3 year old, who at that same age was walking, bringing you diapers for her wet bottom and trying to speak. Not because baby boy is doing anything spectacular, but because he just LOOKS smarter. Who the hell says that?! You push baby girl away because you're too busy holding him or breastfeeding him every 5 minutes (which really is kinda gross. NOT the breastfeeding, but the doing it all the freaking time. Has no one ever explained to you it should be on some sort of SCHEDULE? Oh wait. I have). But you like it because it gives you an EXCUSE to have him under you all day long. And that's kind of crazy.
I've given you, at your request for help, all sorts of advice. Put them on a schedule. Let him cry. If you're going to spank her, don't pick her up for a cuddle right afterwards, the punishment loses meaning. Don't call her stupid. Their father is perfectly capable of keeping an eye on them. You don't listen. Which is fine, you don't have to take my advice. My words are not golden. But don't come to me complaining about all the things wrong when they begin and end with you. You are teaching them to be neurotic and crazy. I'm not going to say that you are abusive, but sometimes, I do worry that you walk a fine line.
Strangely enough, aside from your parenting, you ARE a really nice person. Which is why I don't understand why you do the things you do to your kids. You tell me that your childhood was horrible, and that you wouldn't wish your years growing up on anyone. You've told me stories about things your parents have said/done that sadden me.
What I want to know is, do you want your kids to be able to tell THOSE kinds of stories about you?
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